I took a journey this weekend...

Today i write this with trepidation.  I bare my soul and this is my testimony.  I expect some people will say my views are wrong.  But if my story saves one innocent life, allays one woman’s fear of her past or helps one woman’s decision not to abort their child, it was all worth it.
Blessings

I took a journey this weekend…

I took an impossible journey.  A healing and spiritual journey.  I took a very difficult, awesome and God lead journey.  This was one of the most difficult and emotional things i have ever done.  Everything in my being was turned upside down and inside out.  There were times i wanted to bolt for the door and not return.  I met the most incredibly awesome sisters in Christ.  I met my Savior.  This was an emotionally and spiritually charged week end that i will cherish and keep forever. 

'Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy him. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple.' 1Colossians 3:16-17

I had no idea what the process would be like, feel like or look like.  'Surrendering the Secret' by Pat Layton, was joyful and heartbreaking at the same time.  The secret was embedded in my mind, heart and soul for so long.  What could possibly move me to talk about it.  Make me surrender this secret kept hidden for over 35 years.  The shame and guilt were emotionally over whelming.  The pain was suffocating.  How would they or even could they help me be put my secret to rest by unearthing it.

'Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.' Psl 51:6

I was nervous and scared.  I didn't actually doubt it could be done, but would i be able to endure.  Would i be able to put my passed scars to rest.  A secret that bled tears and pain for so long.  Decisions i didn’t make willingly in two circumstances, glued in my fearfully hidden shame.  I nurtured these memories with fear and self hate.  I watered it with shame hidden tears.  This secret was charged hurt hurt, shame, and disappointment.  The painful memories needed to be removed.  I wanted to live a life unburdened and worth living.  I needed to be free.  No one could do it for me.  I did it with five amazing and god loving sisters in Christ. That is how it should be done. Jesus is gentle, loving, kind and forgiving.  The truth and gental healing He imparts is a precious gift.  One that could never be done without Him.

'Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings' Psl 17:8

I needed to open the old infected wounds of abortion.  It was murder.  It was sin most heinous and cruel.  Hidden from healing light.  Never told to fellow humans.  I was alone with the secret.  I was uninformed and naive.  Young, too young.  I was manipulated by a man, my husband [since divorced].

I was helping him through school.  I was the breadwinner, maid, consort and cook.  He was to study and pass.  He made the decision that no child could or would be born on his meal ticket.  He proclaimed this twice.  Being a dutiful wife i complied.  I felt a fool.  He was a narcissist and i was abused mentally and psychologically.  He wounded me in so many ways.  This was only one.  Or i should say two.  The most painful were the two babies i should have had.  What I was told by my husband, had to be done.  I was not allowed to be a mom in his opinion.  How would he complete his schooling and be catered to.  No room in his world for me to be a mom.

I will not go into why i left him or what i was allowed to take from it all.  He does not remember what he did.  Certainly he does not regret what he does not remember.  I held all the pain, all the shame.

Travel ahead several years.  I was living with a man whom i loved.  He seemed perfect.  Apparently i was not his perfect match.  We parted after a year.  I found my self with child.  As before it seems five weeks is a magic number for my system to realize i was pregnant.  I was alone, in a job that went no where.  He didn't want us.  I made an awful decision to end the pregnancy.  Please, i pray, do not make the same choice i did.  Its not a choice, its an aberration.

If i had only known what i know now.  It was not an it.  It was a child.  A baby from the moment of conception.  Never again did i contemplate such a murderous act.  Adoption would have been so much better.  I have aligned myself with this knowledge, this truth.  I know Jesus has forgiven me.  I have forgiven myself and the people who were associated with these decisions.  I didn't know how much i needed to go on this journey.  I couldn’t have done it alone.  ['Tilly' by Frank Peretti, important read.]

I feel Jesus led me to know the names of those precious lives.  Jeremy David, Paul William and Noel Angelica.  This helps me put to rest the pain i lived with for so long.  I know they are in heaven, with all the joys they missed here on earth and more.  They are in Jesus care.  Is there anything better?



'For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.'   Psl 139:13

You are not alone.
*Love Life offers help, support and mentorship to those facing unplanned pregnancy. And they offer Restored Life, thru post abortive healing classes, such as Surrendering the Secret. To learn more about Love Life Ministries go to   LoveLifeUSA.org.
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